Different types of feelings

Our emotional world is an ingenious gauging system that tells us how we’re doing. Hunger signals a need for food. Worry may indicate that a need for appreciation is unmet. Joy can point to a fulfilled need for beauty. Feelings give meaning to the world we live in and influence our thinking and our behaviour.

In Nonviolent Communication, it’s the primary feelings that help us stand in the full force of life. Awareness of secondary feelings and pseudo-feelings can help us reconnect with primary feelings.

Primary feelings

Among primary feelings we distinguish, among others, joy, anger/frustration, fear and sadness.

• Joy/satisfaction are signals that one or more needs are fulfilled: noticing that many friends surround you at a party is a source of joy because your need for friendship is met.
• Anger/frustration indicates that a certain need is unmet: when hearing criticism and negative comments about your work, you feel frustrated because your need for appreciation is lacking.
• Fear often points to a longing for certainty, a concern about whether a particular need will be met: if I lose my job, I’m afraid because I worry about my basic needs like shelter, food, drink.
• Sadness often points to the loss of (or not having) something dear to us: a relationship ends and I’m sad because of my need for love, friendship, belonging.

Secondary feelings

Secondary feelings like hatred, annoyance, anger at others, resentment, jealousy… arise after others are seen as responsible or guilty for our unpleasant feelings: I’m frustrated when I don’t receive an invitation to a gathering; I see the person who didn’t invite me as the cause of my displeasure and I’m angry at them. Secondary feelings lead to seeing certain people as enemies, so that everything they do is viewed as bad, stupid, wrong… Secondary feelings like guilt, shame, depression arise after I judge myself negatively for what I do or don’t do. These judgements are based on internalised commandments (I must…) or prohibitions (I must not…).

Secondary feelings persist as long as the accompanying judgements are mentally present. They cause our life energy to flow toward experiencing those secondary feelings instead of toward the actual unmet need. In this way, hatred, guilt and resentment can dominate a person’s being for a long time; the focus often shifts to retaliation, driven by the belief that whoever does wrong must be punished for it.

Pseudo-feelings

Pseudo-feelings are not actually feelings but judgements and thoughts about others (or about oneself) phrased in a sentence that often starts with “I feel…”

“I feel ignored” says that I think the other person is ignoring me. “I feel not taken seriously” says that I think the other person doesn’t take me seriously. “I feel like an idiot” says that I consider myself an idiot. For the empathic listener, pseudo-feelings hide real feelings and unmet needs. Behind “I feel ignored,” for instance, there may be the feeling of “anger” and the unmet need for “contact” or “recognition.” There are also “positive” pseudo-feelings like feeling loved, appreciated. We don’t see these as disruptive to our life energy. Is there a connection between secondary feelings and pseudo-feelings? Pseudo-feelings are judgemental thoughts that often lie at the root of secondary feelings. Through judging, attention shifts away from the signalling function of primary feelings and the needs they point to.

What is the added value of this classification of feelings?

From the perspective of Nonviolent Communication, we believe that consciously experiencing primary feelings, whether pleasant or unpleasant, connects us to our life energy and can steer our actions and interactions more effectively. All primary feelings present themselves to be “felt” and to give meaning. By giving meaning to feelings, the underlying needs become clearer and we can make choices about whether or not to fulfil those needs.

People often tend to blame others or themselves for unpleasant feelings. Secondary feelings and judgemental thoughts disrupt life energy; the primary feelings go unfelt and the underlying needs go unrecognised. By being aware that judgements generate secondary feelings, we can examine those judgements and transform them into awareness of the needs that are lacking, and feel what that’s like, i.e., finally experience the primary feelings. Shame and guilt will often transform into feelings of regret or sadness about missing something valuable. Hatred, annoyance and jealousy, once the negative judgements are turned around, will reveal the need we experience as lacking.

How does “feeling” work?

People have often unlearned how to consciously experience primary feelings. Judgements and secondary feelings make them continually place the cause outside themselves: others are responsible for my pain, or “something wrong” about me makes me unhappy. Secondary feelings block awareness of needs because attention goes to the judgement and possible strategies for revenge.

Feeling is connected to the way we breathe. A deep, relaxed inhalation is often enough to allow feelings to come through and be experienced. In daily life, it’s important to be aware of how proper breathing works. A supple, deep breath promotes feeling and activates life energy. Judgemental thinking often arises with blocked breathing, where our “system” tries to bypass the primary feelings.

In closing

Feelings present themselves to be felt. They wait, as it were, until they’re felt. The trust that feelings connect us to our life energy, and maintaining that contact, helps in building a meaningful and enjoyable life. We see both pleasant and unpleasant feelings as constructive indicators of what we need. Often, simply being aware of the need is already halfway to fulfilling it.