Doing something for someone else

Doing something for someone else can come from different motives. The underlying need is different each time.

Motives for doing something for someone else:

because you get paid for it (need for security, autonomy, a home…) because the other person does something for you in return (need for care, help…) because you hope that person will do something for you later in return (need for hope or trust in future support and help) because you have to (to avoid problems: need for peace, harmony) to be considered nice and likeable (need for acceptance and belonging) because you are threatened (need for survival, safety) because you enjoy taking care of others (need for meaning, caring: contributing to the happiness of others)

From which motives do you usually tend to act? What is your main motive at work? Or do you have multiple motives?

Some comments on the seven motives above

1. You work because you get paid for it. With their salary, people provide for the needs in their personal life: a home, social life, family wellbeing, hobbies… Those who work ‘only’ for financial compensation usually get little or no enjoyment from the work itself (= extrinsic motivation). A workday then feels long and there is no drive to use their own creativity and talents. Going to work means ‘getting through the day as quickly as possible and trying to do as little as possible’. The unfortunate thing here is that an average person works between 40,000 and 70,000 hours in their lifetime. Many hours without much quality of life… Research shows that money in itself is not a strong motivator for delivering quality. Real motivation comes from other aspects of work: doing something meaningful, creating added value, caring for others, being creative… (= intrinsic motivation). Those who do their work from the joy of giving do it with passion and dedication. The satisfaction that comes from this is the most important motivation to do your job well. 2. You do something for someone because they do something for you. Doing something for someone in return is a strategy we know both inside and outside work. “I do something for someone because I get something back.” This motivation resembles the first strategy. Only the currency here is not money, but services and goods. 3. You do something for someone to get in their good graces. Doing something for someone hoping they’ll return the favour someday is common in hierarchical power relationships. You do something for someone with influence in the organisation and hope for a return favour sooner or later. There’s no guarantee the other person will reciprocate. Often the hoped-for support never comes and you’re left frustrated. In most organisations, this approach is seen as bootlicking, sucking up, brown-nosing… 4. You do something for someone because it’s the proper thing to do. The reason some people do things for others is that some rule obliges them to. They do things because they think they ‘should’. Usually these are unwritten rules that dictate what people ‘ought’ to do. Obedience to these rules is the motivation for doing something for someone else. Avoiding feelings of guilt and shame drives what these people do and don’t do. This way of doing something for someone else brings little joy. It often leads to emotional coldness and a state of permanent gloom. 5. You do something for others because you want to be nice. Some people strive to always be sweet and cheerful, even when they don’t feel that way. They smile often, pretend to be happy and always make themselves available. The reason they do this is that they’re convinced it’s the proper thing to do. They’ll rarely say ‘no’, even when something doesn’t suit them. This way of doing things for others originates from a kind of ‘having to’. Not following this ‘duty to be friendly’ gives these people a sense of guilt. Doing things for others in this way often leads to burnout. Friends and family members know that behind the smile, frustration and judgment often lurk. 6. You do something for someone because you want to survive. Doing something because you’re threatened is common in authoritarian systems. Those who don’t follow the rules are punished for it. In organisations, we often see a less obvious variant. Everyone is expected to follow the rules. Those who don’t are excluded, bullied or threatened. Often, leaving is the only way to escape such terror. Connecting honesty and empathy have little effect in these kinds of organisations. 7. You do something for someone from your need to ‘contribute to the wellbeing of others’. Doing something because you know you’re contributing to someone else’s happiness or wellbeing gives energy. People are born with this need. It’s almost impossible not to respond to it. Every person longs to care for other people, to care for other ‘life’. That’s why many people work with great dedication and satisfaction in volunteer organisations. Others find deep satisfaction in supporting projects that improve the quality of life for certain groups in society. People can also find this satisfaction in their work, when they see that their work contributes to the quality of life of others.

NVC wants to encourage people to do something for others because it brings joy to contribute to the happiness of others

From the perspective of NVC, we want to encourage people to work primarily from the last motive: finding joy in creating added value for others. In almost every profession, you contribute to the wellbeing of others in one way or another. This allows people to fulfil their need to ‘do something meaningful’. Both externally caring for good service to customers and internally caring for job satisfaction and support among colleagues gives people fulfilment. It’s a way to fill the need to ‘care for others’ in a very concrete way.