Empathy

Empathy is a special form of active listening. The listener focuses on the feelings and needs of the other person. When needed, the listener checks in on those feelings and needs to make sure they understand what the speaker is really saying. A good listener often inspires an equal willingness to listen in the other person.

First, we’ll distinguish empathy from other strategies. Then we’ll help you move toward more empathic connections.

Empathy is not…

To explain what we mean by empathy, we like to show how it differs from related strategies. We’ll illustrate this with some examples.

Example: Someone shares that she feels blocked by her partner’s domineering attitude and is considering ending the relationship.

Empathy versus sympathy

With empathy, the attention is on what the speaker feels and needs. With sympathy, the listener shares what they themselves feel upon hearing the other person’s story.

An empathic listener might say something like: “Does it feel paralysing because you long for equality in the relationship?”

A sympathetic listener might say: “I really feel for you. It makes me a bit sad to hear how hard this is for you.” or “In your place, I’d feel exactly the same.”

Empathy versus comforting

Someone who wants to comfort may be trying to help the other person put things in perspective.

Example: “Don’t take it so hard… What can I do for you to help you feel a bit better about this situation?”

Empathy versus putting things in perspective

By putting the speaker’s words in perspective, the listener bypasses what the speaker is actually experiencing. Often, the speaker is only able to gain perspective after receiving enough empathy for their own feelings and needs.

Example: “Try comparing your problem to the misery other couples go through. Compare it with the dramas you read about in the paper every day… How does your problem look then?”

Empathy versus investigating and analysing

A listener who investigates often does so out of their own curiosity, possibly wanting to help by giving advice afterwards. This way of listening pulls the speaker away from experiencing their feelings and needs, focusing more on thoughts instead. In Nonviolent Communication, we recommend letting feelings be experienced first and giving them meaning by finding the underlying needs, before taking a rational look at the problem.

Example: “What do you do that makes the other person act so bossy?”, “Why do you think he’s so dominant?”, or: “What do you think causes the other person to come across as so dominant?”

Empathy versus intellectual guessing

Empathic listening means following what the speaker is actually sharing. Guessing at needs that haven’t been expressed but might be indirectly present is what we call intellectual guessing. This way of listening can give the speaker the impression that they’re not really being heard. The focus isn’t on what the other person is saying, but on things the listener is thinking up.

Example: “When your partner acts that way, do you also feel that you long for recognition and appreciation?”

Empathy is…

Empathy is more than applying techniques

People who listen empathically do so from a need for connection and often from a need to care for others. A practiced listener naturally draws on a range of interventions. We distinguish several techniques, which are helpful when learning, practising, and continuing to apply the art of empathy:

Guessing at the feelings and needs behind discontent or blame

Example: “I’m not saying anything in meetings anymore! Everything’s been decided in advance!”

Empathic response: “Are you angry because you want more say in what happens?”

Guessing at the underlying needs and feelings often results in the speaker either more or less confirming what the listener suggests, or nuancing the feelings and needs.

Example: “I’m more sad, actually, because I want to be treated as an equal!”

Empathic response: “Mmm, so it’s really about being treated as equals for you…?”

Below this post you’ll find a link to a text that clarifies the intentions and practice of this guessing approach to feelings and needs.

Active listening techniques

Besides guessing at feelings and needs, an empathic listener will use classic active listening techniques. When things are unclear, the listener can ask follow-up questions or request examples for clarification.

Example: “I don’t quite understand what you mean. Could you give me an example?”

Eye contact and body language

Someone who is empathic typically maintains eye contact with the other person and is also attentive to body language. By picking up on these signals, the listener can form a fuller picture. When the speaker expresses certain feelings through body language, an empathic listener will notice and may reflect this back in a tentative, questioning way.

The double message as an invitation

When you want to be empathic toward someone who is directing blame at you or saying things you strongly disagree with, it can help to briefly state how you experience this and then invite the other person to share more. We call this the double message.

Example: “What you’re saying really catches me off guard, but I’d like to hear where it’s coming from.” or “I think I have a different view on this, but I’d like to hear what you have to say.”

Attention focused on the ‘here and now’

Empathic listening means directing attention to what the other person feels and needs right now, even when the speaker is recounting a situation from the past.

Different levels of empathy

When it comes to learning empathic listening, we distinguish several levels of difficulty:

• A relatively accessible level of empathy is when we, as empathic listeners, are not personally involved in the speaker’s story. The listener can easily offer empathy because the content has nothing to do with their own experience or opinions.
• It gets harder when, as a listener, you hear something you disagree with. Still, it makes sense to listen empathically first and share your own opinion afterwards: by feeling heard first, the other person is more willing to listen in return.
• A challenging form of empathy is listening to blame and judgments from the other person. The listener guesses at the feelings and unmet needs behind what’s being said. This level of empathy often has a de-escalating effect in conflicts. The mental ability to turn a reproach into a need is a key skill.

During exercises, we often notice that participants almost freeze up when they consciously try to listen empathically. They search somewhat awkwardly for the right posture or the right words to connect with what the other person is saying. This awkwardness is part of developing a remarkable skill. By consciously practising empathic listening, the “mechanical, forced feeling” gradually fades. The listener’s attention shifts more and more toward needs and feelings, rather than blame and judgments. What you say (or don’t say) as a listener merges with the intention to be present with what the speaker is sharing. Keep practising!

Some learning experiences

You don’t have to agree

With many participants in Nonviolent Communication trainings, we often see and hear a hesitation to listen empathically because they think it means automatically agreeing with the other person. Some even feel obligated to help solve the needs the speaker has expressed, and for this reason avoid non-judgmental listening.

You can only listen empathically when you have inner calm

You can only offer empathy when you can temporarily set aside your own need to speak (and be heard). In conflict situations, this means you first need to explore your own feelings and needs before you can focus on those of the other person.

Your attention matters more than the words you use

While we occasionally check verbally what the other person feels and needs, it’s essential that the listener is fully focused on what the other person is saying. Sometimes the listener says nothing at all, but is all the more tuned in to the feelings and needs of the other. Especially when the speaker needs to process something, for example out of a need to grieve or let go, it’s essential that the listener is silently present.

Getting started with empathic listening

To explore the more challenging form of empathic listening, we suggest the following exercises.

How would you respond empathically to the following judgments or accusations?

• You’re such a slacker! I have to do everything around here on my own!
• You’re twisting my words! You spin everything to your own advantage.
• Apparently I can’t do anything right for you! I don’t understand why you haven’t fired me!
• You’re an old-fashioned slave driver!
• You’re so condescending… if you think that’s going to get you anywhere with me…

If you’re stuck, just give us a shout ;-)

We’d love to read your reactions and questions in response to this article.