Four good listening habits

It may come as a surprise, but good listening is mainly about what you do less. Truly good listeners don’t necessarily do more. Instead, they can refrain from a number of tendencies that get in the way of connection. If you want to become a better listener, make sure you develop these four good habits.

Habit 1: Focus on connection, not on being right

If you treat a conversation as a competition, you lose either way. Many people struggle to listen well because they feel emotionally insecure. This means their focus in the conversation is more on themselves and on being right than on the other person. So ask yourself this simple question before entering a conversation in which you want to listen well: “Is this conversation meant to be helpful and supportive, or is it to make myself feel good?” This self-check creates awareness and is often enough to redirect competitive tendencies and truly listen.

Habit 2: Focus on the person, not the problem

Many of us are problem-solvers at heart. We spend the whole day identifying problems and errors and then use our minds to come up with creative solutions. This problem-solving ability is incredibly valuable. The issue, however, is that in certain situations solving problems can backfire. When someone “wants to talk”, they usually don’t want someone to solve their problems. They simply want to feel understood. The best conversations are about connection, not about information. Good listeners help the other person realise that having a problem doesn’t mean they are a problem. And they do this simply by listening and acknowledging what’s going on for the other person. This works because the other person feels heard and understands that they are more than just their problem. To listen better, direct your attention to the person sitting next to you, how they feel and how the world looks through their eyes right now. When you do that, you subtly communicate that they are fully allowed to be who they are, no matter what they’re going through. That is the real gift of listening.

Habit 3: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings without immediately questioning their mindset

A surefire way to derail a conversation is by judging other people’s feelings. When the person next to you describes how sad, frustrated, anxious or ashamed they feel, we often empathise. And then suddenly comes that well-meaning “You don’t need to feel that way,” which actually denies the reality of their feelings. Whether or not someone’s feelings seem logical to you, their experience is real. Your first task as a good listener is to welcome and acknowledge them, however painful they may be. Instead of “You don’t need to feel that way,” try acknowledging how difficult it must be to feel that way: “Wow, that must have been really frustrating for you,” “I can only imagine how frightening that must feel,” “It seems like you’re carrying a lot of sadness right now.”

Habit 4: Stay in touch with your own feelings

If you’re not aware of how you feel yourself, it’s only a matter of time before you say something unhelpful. More often than not, what we do and say is driven by our own discomfort. For example, we tell a colleague “Chin up!” when they’re sad, because deep down we desperately want to believe that with the right attitude we never have to feel sad or hopeless. When you’re aware of your own feelings, you won’t be blindly swept along by them and you can focus more consciously on the other person. Connecting with others requires first being connected with yourself.

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This text is based on an article by Nick Wignal, rewritten in positive language. Here you can find the original text.