Getting Through Summer Without Punishment and Reward

Most parents love their child unconditionally, but unconditional parenting often seems difficult. Inspired by an interview with American thinker Alfie Kohn, here are a number of ideas to get through the summer without punishment and reward.

The everydayness of punishment

“If you finish your plate, you’ll get a biscuit.” Ignoring a child during a tantrum, or putting them in the corner when they hit another child. But also: giving a compliment when they’re quietly drawing, or buying them an ice cream because they didn’t cry during swimming lessons. According to Alfie Kohn, these are all examples of how parents turn their love for their children into a ‘commodity’. Through punishment and reward, we teach our children that our love isn’t a given, that they first have to do something that pleases us or makes an impression.

Why punishment doesn’t work but considering the child does

Unconditional parenting requires a way of dealing with children that focuses on who the child is, rather than on what they do. Take, for example, a time-out (in the corner or by a post on the playground). We hope, of course, that the child learns from the punishment and will think twice before hitting next time. But according to Kohn, the child isn’t sitting there thinking about the harm done to their little sister. They’re mostly thinking about themselves and how angry they are at the adult and the other child. The child focuses on the harm done to them, while what you actually want is for your child to learn to consider the harm they cause to others.

According to Kohn, punishment doesn’t solve anything in the long run because you’re not working on the relationship with the child while they’re in the punishment spot. What’s more, by punishing the behaviour, you don’t find out what emotion lies behind it. Is the child tired, do they need privacy, do they want attention and are they trying to get it through aggressive behaviour? There can be a hundred different reasons for behaviour we find unpleasant, so responding consistently with punishment is actually illogical. By talking with your child, taking their emotions seriously and looking for a solution together, the child learns to consider others because you, as an adult, also consider them.

The habit of conditional parenting

Many of us struggle to get the daily things done with children. Simply getting them dressed, on the bike to school, and into bed in the evening with a belly full of healthy vegetables. In the rush and stress, we tend to fall back on tools like blackmail or threats of punishment. But these undermine the relationship we want with our children and the wishes we have for their future. Because if you ask parents, they say the same thing all over the world: we want our children to grow up to be happy, moral, empathetic people. That they become independent, critical thinkers. And you don’t achieve that by teaching them to obey. You achieve that by letting them practise social behaviour. Where else but in the family should they learn to resolve conflicts, consider others and put their own feelings into words?

Staying involved and inviting collaboration

Plenty of parents don’t want to be authoritarian, but a laissez-faire attitude isn’t the answer either. Nonviolent Communication brings a third perspective into view: one with deep involvement with your children, where parents and children work together instead of parents constantly trying to enforce good behaviour. Rewarding and praising are variations of this enforcement. We try to manipulate our children’s behaviour with tricks. Punishment and reward work very well, but only until your child is no longer afraid of or dependent on you. Then you’re left empty-handed as a parent and your relationship is damaged. The only thing they learn in the long run is that whoever has the power decides how things go.

But surely rewarding with compliments is important for children’s self-confidence?

Compliments actually turn out to undermine children’s motivation. Yes, they motivate children to want more rewards, but this comes at the expense of genuine interest in what they’re doing. There’s another problem: rewards, just like compliments, undermine children’s self-confidence. Healthy self-confidence means that children, even when they do something wrong, know they are a good person. Expressing appreciation in a connecting way comes down to informing the child about what exactly caused your needs to be fulfilled. Such messages reflect equality and gratitude.

If we don’t attach consequences to our children’s behaviour, does that mean there are no boundaries?

Children sometimes do things we find annoying and then it’s easy to say we need to set boundaries. With that, we justify the use of power: we force them to adapt to us. When children test us, it’s often because they’re unconsciously wondering: if I do something wrong, will you still love me? By punishing, we slam the door shut and confirm their greatest fear: that they can lose our love.

By examining your own request as a parent, you might discover that the problem doesn’t lie with the child but with what you’re demanding. Is it laziness, are we being overprotective, does our request even suit our child’s age? You might ask yourself whether it’s reasonable to expect a 4-year-old to sit still at the table for hours, or a 10-year-old to tidy her room. Because why should the only space in the world that belongs to your daughter have to meet your standards?

That said, there are of course cases where a child does have to do something. In that case, it’s important to involve children, depending on their age. It’s truly never necessary to punish your child. If something really ‘must’ happen, you can at least discuss together how you’re going to do it. That gives your child a sense of autonomy, of control over their own life. The paradox is: the less we cling to obedience and the more we treat our children with trust and respect, the more they’ll be inclined to give us the benefit of the doubt when we say something ‘must’ happen.

Pressure on parents to be strict

As a society, we often see parenting as guarding boundaries, being consistent and not spoiling your children too much. There’s emotional pressure on parents to be strict. The more afraid we are of being called a pushover parent, the more we tend to keep our children in check with punishment and reward. And the harder it is for us to genuinely work together with our children instead of imposing things on them. On top of that, it’s difficult to be unconditional with your child when you yourself were raised conditionally. It takes courage to look at yourself and reflect on your own actions.

Finally: what can parents do to make things a bit easier?

Parenting is hard without the support of others. So look for like-minded people you can talk to and be with. And when your children are old enough, talk to them about how you can work together to be a happy family where nobody has to fight for a dose of love.

Text based on the interview with Alfie Kohn by Gabrielle Jurriaans and Annemiek Verbeek.