I feel insulted... Help!

Want to become immune to reproaches, judgments and insults? Here are a few ideas…

A reproach can hit hard, especially when the person judging you is someone you care about. And it often happens in subtle ways:

• Someone sighs in the meeting, right when I think I’m bringing a brilliant idea to solve a stubborn problem.
• A colleague asks me if I really have a certain educational background when I don’t have a ready-made answer.
• Someone tells me I’m the problem and that I’d better keep my mouth shut.

I often feel the impulse to fire back with counter-reproaches. Sometimes I want to criticise the fact that the other person is foolish enough to make reproaches in the first place. I stopped making counter-reproaches a long time ago because I know it leads nowhere. But I’m still left with a rotten feeling. And then I lie awake at night over it too. And that’s all the other person’s fault. And maybe my own as well…

Through Connecting Communication, I’ve learned to deal with reproaches differently. I let them in and examine them. Sometimes reproaches and judgments leave me cold and indifferent. The other person doesn’t know me well enough and doesn’t realise I have good intentions. I feel no irritation at all and have the space to explore what the other person means by their reproach. I usually discover that they wanted to express a need, but went about it in a clumsy way.

And sometimes a reproach hits hard, especially when I’ve tried my best to take care of the other person. I feel hurt then. The other person’s words sting and linger in my head. I’m left with an unpleasant feeling. In such cases, I’ve learned to pay attention to what I myself feel when someone makes a reproach. Whatever it is. I want to consciously feel what it does to me and allow every feeling and every thought, including the judgments. I don’t express them to the other person. What I mostly want to know is what I need and what I’d like to ask the other person. And I know the other person may not be capable of that. Usually I want empathy for my experience or understanding for my point of view. And I’ll rarely find that listening ear in that particular person. A pity…

I know I have a choice when there’s pain, frustration and anger. I can get angry about the fact that I feel hurt, or I can simply let the pain be there. Often I find it comforting to talk about my pain while someone listens with empathy. Or sometimes I only have myself to give and receive empathy. That takes time. Time to feel and to know: “I’m okay. It’s okay that I feel this.” The calm that follows creates space to explore which need is asking for attention. Then I look at how I can give that need attention. Sometimes that means getting more empathy from a friend. Sometimes it means having a conversation with the other person. And sometimes I can simply let go and know that things are the way they are.

And now I’m curious about what you think and feel while reading the text above. Know that it’s all okay. You are okay as you are. And it’s important that you believe that yourself.

I wish you the ability to deal with reproaches and judgments in a conscious way. Marshall taught me that they are ‘clumsy ways of expressing needs and values’. The world becomes a better place when we are able to deliver every message as a request or as a sign of gratitude and affection.

Have a great summer!

Erwin