Mediating Conflicts as a Third Party

How do you resolve a conflict when both parties want a solution but for some reason can no longer talk to each other? Or how do you hold a decisive meeting with your team when nobody can facilitate it in a neutral way?

Resolving conflicts and problems with a mediator (or facilitator) offers advantages in various situations. The mediator safeguards the ground rules of Nonviolent Communication and supports each party equally in being heard. The mediator then provides impulses to work out a viable solution that meets the needs of all parties involved.

Formal and informal mediation

Mediation can happen both formally and informally. In formal mediation, the role of the mediator is clear. The conflicting parties expect the mediator to steer the communication so that a solution emerges that all parties can live with. Formal mediation occurs in divorces, neighbour disputes, workplace issues, social dialogue between management and unions…

Informal mediation is less explicit in nature. The person mediating supports two (or more) parties so they can hear each other’s needs and find a solution from there. Informal mediation occurs in situations like:

• Colleagues who disagree during a meeting and start blaming each other.
• Two colleagues who have a quarrel.
• Colleagues who struggle to arrange holiday schedules among themselves while ensuring work continuity.
• Participants in a training who have different views on a particular situation.

What happens during mediation?

During mediation, the mediator ensures the communication stays on track. They make sure the parties communicate in a connecting way without having to pay too much attention to how they phrase their message. They listen empathically to both parties and translate unclear or blaming messages to the level of feelings and, most importantly, needs.

To mediate smoothly, it’s important to master a number of techniques and skills. Being able to listen empathically and steer a dialogue clearly are key. Several techniques we describe further on are handy for supporting the flow of communication.

As a formal mediator, you don’t need to be an expert in the subject matter of the conflict. Sometimes it’s useful to be aware of certain technical aspects of the content. For instance, knowing social legislation is usually an asset when mediating during social dialogue and drafting collective agreements. In professional mediation, however, the parties involved are better informed about the technical aspects of a problem than the mediator. The mediator takes care of the form and quality of the exchanges. The parties themselves are responsible for the content.

Key points from an NVC perspective

• As a formal mediator, you essentially receive a mandate from the conflicting parties. You are neutral and support all parties equally in searching for a solution. At the start of a formal mediation, it’s important to check whether the parties accept the mediator. You do this by explicitly naming your role and asking whether everyone agrees.
• Next, you explore the expectations of all parties. This happens in plenary so that everyone can hear each other’s expectations. This can be done with open questions like: “What outcome do you expect from this conversation?”, “When will this conversation be successful for you?”, “What do you want this meeting to deliver for you?”, “What is the goal of this meeting for you?” In this first phase, it’s important to register all expectations and translate them to the level of needs. If a party proposes a concrete solution right at the start, you translate the solution to the need level. This keeps space open for finding multiple good solutions. For example: one person says “I want the other person to stop approaching me about the problem every day.” As mediator, you translate this to: “For you, it’s important that the situation is resolved in a way that it doesn’t need to be revisited afterwards?”
• Then you briefly explain what you will (potentially) do during the conversation: listen to the needs of both parties, ensure everyone gets to speak, encourage mutual listening, make sure the conversation doesn’t go off track, ask people to keep things concise, check how certain messages are received, help make agreements.
• Start the discussion and give one of the parties the floor to sketch the situation. Sometimes both parties want to speak first. Give clear direction here. Ask the person with less formal power to go first. If everyone is equal in role and function, let the most ‘charged’ person speak first. Give the other person brief emergency empathy, something like: “You want to make sure your story is heard too? I suggest we let… (name) speak first and then it’ll be your turn. Is that OK for you?”
• Each time one of the parties speaks, you listen as mediator in an empathic way. You check the underlying needs to make sure you’ve heard the essence. For example: Person A: “I’m fed up with the other person always meddling in my affairs.” Mediator: “Is that… annoying for you because privacy is important?” Another example: Person B: “I always have to take care of the children and he only takes them when it suits him.” Mediator: “You want the children to be cared for in an equal way and for your opinion and interests to be taken into account when it comes to caring for the children?”
• Once one party has finished speaking and you’ve given sufficient empathy, you ask the other party for an empathic response. You can do this by asking one of the following questions: “Can you repeat what you heard the other person say?”, “How is it for you hearing this?”, “Can you summarise in your own words what the other person needs?”
• As mediator, you let one party speak at a time. The aim is for each party to feel heard by the other and for all needs related to the problem to be named. You vary your interventions: giving empathy yourself by repeating at need level what someone says, stimulating empathic listening in the other party by asking targeted questions (“What do you hear the other person saying?”, “How is it for you to hear this?”), making sure everyone speaks in turn and is heard by the other party, and keeping the conversation on track. If someone goes off topic or rambles, you bring them back to the essence in a clear, connecting way. This can be done by saying: “What you’re saying now, I don’t see as an answer to the question. What is your answer to the following question…” or “Can you capture the essence of what’s important to you in a few sentences?”
• Take sufficient time for the ‘needs exploration phase’. Encourage those involved to say what bothers them, which need is falling short, how they experience the problem, what the consequences are… Paraphrase each time what you hear someone say and check whether you’ve captured the underlying need. Only when all important needs and interests have been named and heard does it make sense to look for solutions. Rather than rephrasing what’s been said yourself each time, you can ask the other party to repeat what they heard the other person say. It’s important here to focus attention on the need, not the shortcoming or the reproach. You can do this by asking questions like: “What need does the other person have with what they’re saying?”, “What do you hear is very important for the other person?”, “Can you name the need behind the other person’s story? What does the other person need?”
• Once the needs exploration phase is complete, you direct attention to the problem-solving phase by asking open questions. Start with a solution-oriented question that encompasses the needs of all parties. This can sound like: “What needs to happen so that… (listing all needs side by side) are met?” Ask all parties to make proposals. Note them down in an organised way if needed. Mark the proposals that find support from all parties. Ask for further detail on what’s missing in the proposals that are less well received.
• It may be that formulating proposals to address the situation isn’t straightforward. In that case, stimulate the creativity of those involved by tempering critical thinking on one hand and encouraging out-of-the-box thinking on the other. You can do this by asking questions like: “What solutions come to mind if time, money or rules play no role?”, “What will the situation look like a year from now after we’ve found a good solution?” You might also make a concrete proposal yourself, building on the solutions already formulated, and ask whether there are objections. Listen to each objection and the underlying needs. Adjust your proposal each time and then check again for objections. A proposed solution against which there are no longer any fundamental objections is usually a solution that can work long-term.
• In the problem-solving phase, you can ask one of the parties to make a concrete proposal. Support them so they can formulate the solution in a concrete, realistic and positive way. Check the proposal by asking the other party if there are objections. Encourage listening to the underlying needs. Adjust the proposal until there are no more objections.
• Wrap up by making concrete agreements through questions: “Who will do what by when?”, “Is it important to agree on anything else? If so, what?”, “Is it useful to schedule a moment to check whether the agreement works? If so, when will you meet for that?”
• You can close the mediation session by evaluating the conversation in view of any future sessions. Questions that can be used: “How was this conversation for you?”, “What did you find pleasant about the session (and can we therefore do again next time)?”, “What did you find less pleasant (and would you do differently next time)?”

The principles of conflict mediation summarised

• Give structure to the conversation by asking clear questions.
• Be clear about your role as mediator and say upfront what the parties can expect from you.
• Give empathy to all parties by naming the underlying needs.
• Rephrase reproaches in needs language.
• Encourage the parties to listen to each other by asking them what they hear from the other at needs level.
• First go through the needs exploration phase, then the solution-oriented phase: only look for concrete solutions once all needs have been named and heard.
• Stimulate creativity when searching for out-of-the-box solutions.