When Unspoken Conversations Drain Your Energy

• Do you hear colleagues complain about a lack of clarity? And wonder how to respond efficiently without becoming directive?
• Do you notice irritation because team members interpret shared agreements in their own way? And wonder whether you need to step in?
• Do you sometimes brace yourself when concerns are raised during a meeting? And wonder whether it’s worth adding your own concerns?

Not everything in a collaboration needs to be discussed. Still, when problems arise, it helps to sharpen things up and work towards a solution everyone can get behind. There are, however, plenty of reasons not to do that, if only because raising an issue costs time and energy while the outcome is uncertain. Before you know it, the context fades and you’re left feeling discouraged. Courage is about the strength of the heart, the organ of connection. But how do you actually muster that courage to bring up the problem?

Speaking clearly and listening with empathy

When people learn to communicate in a connecting way, they experience a positive impact when they share their opinion. On top of that, they learn to listen to what matters to others and to engage in conversation about it. With Nonviolent Communication, people are essentially equipped to think together.

First opinion-forming, then decision-making

While one-on-one conversations remain fairly manageable, the question is how you discuss more complex problems with a group. This is precisely where the escape route becomes the most popular path.

Example When developing a website, you discuss the first design with your colleagues. Everyone has their own opinion: this doesn’t fit our house style, the photos are too slick… Hearing all the criticism of the design, you don’t doubt your colleagues’ involvement, but your heart sinks. Besides, you disagree with the comment about the photos and you know that within the team, people think very differently about ‘our house style’. Taking the input into account becomes difficult if the topic isn’t discussed further. And if you proceed without considering the remarks, some people will likely be left frustrated. The question for the next meeting is therefore: ‘What image or atmosphere do we want to give our website visitors?‘

Opinion-forming: agree to disagree

Regularly taking time to discuss topics and, if necessary, thoroughly disagreeing with each other (and therefore listening to each other) doesn’t have to be that time-consuming. What matters most is that there’s enough openness to hear all opinions and to stay curious about the underlying reasons (needs and values).

Yet it’s often challenging to ask people what they think about a topic. “What if someone just defends their own opinion?”, “What if someone has no opinion or can’t put it into words?”, “What if the question leads to division and tension?”…

Asking these questions usually brings clarity about how different experts view a particular reality. It can be a starting point for:

• decision-making: “How can we then make sure that…?”
• a further exploration of the opinion (debate): “What makes you say that…?”
• a further exploration of assumptions (dialogue): “If you see it that way, is it because you find it very important that…?”

This way, we bring all the information related to the topic to the table.

What works well in an ‘opinion-forming’ phase:

• people who can express themselves clearly;
• people who can and want to listen and don’t hear other people’s ideas as a reproach;
• someone who can facilitate by:

1. asking inviting questions;
2. assessing answers to keep them in line with the question;
3. rephrasing what’s been said to arrive at a shared understanding.

Decision-making: going for ‘good enough’

Once there’s enough information about a topic through opinion-forming, decision-making can begin, even when opinions differ widely. With Connective Decision-Making, the first step is finding a good starting question.

Example What can we adjust in the design so that it fully fits our house style? How do we ensure the visuals match the content and style we want to project?

Connective Decision-Making provides a framework for generating and refining solution ideas. Our experience in facilitating decision-making shows that it becomes much easier for people to think from the perspective of others’ interests when their own interests are also taken into account. And because searching for the ideal solution often has a paralysing effect, we encourage people to go for the best possible choice right now. This creates clarity and renewed energy for collaboration.

The starting point of Connective Decision-Making is that broad acceptance is essential for a good decision. Unique questions, the weight of objections and their reasoning point the way to creative solutions.

Would you like to learn more about this?

Then take a look at our Connective Decision-Making training programme.