Why is empathy sometimes so difficult?

Empathy for strangers: sure, ‘easy enough’. But showing empathy towards people close to you? That can be a whole different story. When a participant recently asked me why this felt so different, I didn’t have a ready-made answer. ‘Perhaps it has to do with the balance between listening and being heard…’, I replied.

The importance of a good balance between connecting speech and connecting listening

Sometimes we’ve had enough of listening. Contact with certain people can be so intense, overwhelming, frustrating… that we’re tempted to cut the conversation short or put them in their place. Whether it’s a mother-in-law who gets defensive about an unwelcome gift, a friend who once again complains about the world, or a partner who brings up an old disagreement after a lovely evening out. Listening to what’s going on for the other person can be a revelation, but also an experience of helplessness and frustration. These experiences deserve their place in the exchange too: if we don’t take the helplessness and frustration seriously and examine what we’re missing, the relationship risks becoming unequal and indifferent.

Caring for a relationship doesn’t mean meekly enduring someone else’s words. It means taking a position in relation to the discomfort.

What do you think of the following sentences? Could they work for you?

• With a mother-in-law who gets defensive about an unwelcome gift: “I hear you saying you actually like the gift, and I think, ‘why do we make things so complicated?’ I’d really love it if we found a more fitting way to celebrate being together. Can you relate to that?”
• With a friend who’s being negative about the world again: “When I hear your take on things, I feel uncomfortable. Trust in people is so important to me that I get uneasy hearing your analysis. Who can you still trust? And what might move your trust in these people forward? I find it hard to keep listening when I don’t get the sense that you want to use your frustration to move forward.”
• With a partner who brings up a disagreement after a nice evening: “Ouch, when I hear you coming back to that unresolved disagreement after tonight, I get worried. For me, spending time together like tonight is so important in our relationship, and I find it hard when the disagreement comes back to the surface. Would it be okay if we let it rest for now?”

Taking a position in uncomfortable interactions

When interactions feel uncomfortable, we easily fall back on our old, familiar patterns (defense mechanisms) that we built over the years to deny reality or blame others and/or ourselves. These uncomfortable interactions are actually gifts that help you update your patterns and stand more consciously in life.

When people close to us express displeasure about something, it’s tempting to take it as a personal reproach. Inspired by Nonviolent Communication, we see it as a challenge to keep creating enough space for what’s alive in yourself, without closing the door on the other person.

Try it out!

• Which interaction felt uncomfortable or unpleasant for you?
• What did you see or hear?
• What did you feel?
• Which need was unmet?
• What would you want to say to the other person to take care of your own need?

Maybe you’ll say something about it, maybe you won’t. But simply being aware of what matters to you in that moment will already help you take a more attuned position. Good luck with it!

Ann Ceyssens