How to get long talkers to the point?

Getting your point across in few words is an art. Giving good feedback is too. Feedback can provide others with information to gain insight into their behaviour, and it can be an invitation to adjust course. Yet not all feedback is equally easy to hear, and the person giving feedback can also have considerable doubts about its value.

People who tend to talk at length are a good example of the dilemma you sometimes face as a feedback giver. On one hand, you’d like the story to be shorter. On the other, you don’t want to reject the person.

Towards radical candour

Kim Scott (Radical Candor, 2017) describes extensively which dimensions of feedback play a role when we want to be more open with each other: directness and connection. Connection refers to: taking into account what matters to the other person and what is or isn’t possible in the relationship. Directness refers to: genuinely expressing what matters to you.

If you want good contact with the other person, both dimensions matter. Being direct without considering what matters to the other person leaves them out in the cold. And if we only consider the other person, we end up frustrated ourselves.

Back to the long talker

Imagine the long talker is a great colleague you enjoy connecting with, except that a simple question like “How are you?” immediately puts your daily schedule at risk. So for a while now, you’ve been avoiding these kinds of questions, and at the same time you miss the personal contact with that colleague.

A nuanced message, delivered one-on-one, can work wonders. For example: “You know, lately I’ve been a bit hesitant to start a conversation with you, and at the same time I genuinely want to know how you’re doing. Sometimes I got stressed because a chat quickly took half an hour out of my day. Can you imagine how I’m torn between wanting connection and managing my time?”

Depending on the other person’s capacity to receive feedback, they will react more or less quickly, more or less positively, to your message. In the best case, it has the desired effect right away. In the worst case, it closes a door. Whatever the reaction, it’s an important moment to give the relationship new opportunities and to align with each other.

What we recommend

• If you want to invest in the relationship: have the difficult and sensitive feedback conversations too.
• See where it takes you and learn from it.
• Keep taking care of what matters to you, even if the other person can’t hear your message.